Messages @ 2AM (feat. Noah Kenton)

I watched you deteriorate in the most painful way
Physically and mentally day by day
And all I ever wanted to do
Was to be able to take it all away
It was never supposed to be this way

I know you have your own unresolved problems and issues
But I wanted you to want to work on us too

I never liked hiding away and staying in my bedroom
But that's what I chose to do because I refused
To have to see a version of you that I know wasn't

Do you know how long
I wanted you to just look at me and feel seen
Do you know how long
I craved for you to cry on my shoulder
And become the reason why
You would attempt to get clean and sober

I shouldn't have to be wondering to myself at nine
On why you were spiraling
And questioning if any of it was because of me

Look at me

The alcohol and drugs can't comfort you like me and the babies can
But you go back to it anyway
That ethanol is your safe space huh

Who are you trying to run away from
Where are you trying to go
Why is my sister calling me
In the middle of the night
While I simultaneously get a drunk text from you apologizing

And just like that it clicks
I know what's happening
History is repeating
But all I can do as a big sister
Is be there on a phone screen
Asking her how she's feeling
How she's coping with what you've made her see
Mentioning that I can pay for therapy
If she ever considers such a thing,
Or letting her know that she can talk to me
Because I know what it feels like to have to leave
Out of a situation you put us in
And feeling guilty about not being able to bring the others with me.

Why can't I be the reason you give it all up
Shouldn't that
Shouldn't I
Shouldn't we be enough

You can't say that you'll love me
But you'll say that you're sorry
Say you'll make it all better but you don't
You hit the bottle then you're off to hit the road