Stately Semi-D

An Englishman's home is his castle
His most valuable possession
And making it look nice
Is now a national obsession

And since Changing Rooms selected us
We've felt like landed gentry
The results are so impressive
We now charge a fee for entry

Number four, The Willows
Is open to the public
Every day from ten till half past four
Notice as you enter
Our pedimented architrave
Railing rather tastefully
Our neo-Georgian door

Here inside the lobby
Spot the fleur-de-lis motif
There's a statuette of Beckham
Made of shells from Tenerife
And a shrine to Carol Smillie
Brought to life in best relief
In our stately Semi-D

Our living room is Tudor
Complete with minstrel's gallery
But polishing the armour is a chore
Although it's quite authentic
We very rarely sit here
'Cause tragically my husband is allergic to the straw

In our bijou downstairs toilet
Which by the by is cursed
There's a portrait of our Nana
In the style of Damien Hirst
The formaldehyde was stinging
Which is why her lips are pursed
In our stately Semi-D

In our spacious kitchen diner
We'd originally planned
To strip the anaglypta
And have it all Japanned
But lacquering is tricky
So we lined it all with denim
And everyone agrees
That it's a replica of Blenheim

In our boudoir all the units
Built from MDF and hardboard
Were crackled in a blend of beige and brown
And this is Master Trevor's
Known as the four-poster bedroom
Well he had four posters up there
But we made him take them down

And now behold the bathroom
Where Egypt is the theme
The tap is a sarcophagus
Where one can soak and steam
To sit on Nefertiti's throne
Has always been my dream
In our stately Semi-D

Now hurry through the garden
To the stall beside the gate
By a gnome of Alan Titchmarsh
Which is hewn from Pembroke slate
And then catch the coach to take you
Round the rest of the estate
To see the other Semi-Ds
They're not a patch on
Our stately Semi-D
Please buy a postcard
Of our stately Semi-D
Oh, mind the lions! (Ugh)
Around our stately Semi-D