Suddenly New Zealand

When you're lying awake
With a dismal headache,
And repose is tabooed by anxiety,
It is hardly surprising
If you're agonising
Considering modern society;
There are terrible dangers
From horrible strangers
Whose every intention is criminal;
There are counterfeit healers
And Ecstasy dealers
Who thrive 'cause policing is minimal;
We've got under-age nooky,
And lads playing hooky
Who lurk around corners to mug us;
And there's Proddies and Papists
And robbers and rapists
With tabs of Rohypnol to drug us;
On the street you take fright
At the menacing sight
Of graffiti in French and Cyrillic;
And behind curtains drawn,
People downloading porn
Are indulging in tastes paedophilic;
Though the threats are tremendous,
The law won't defend us,
And don't even think of resistance;
So before it's too late,
Let us all emigrate
To a very much better existence...

Suddenly New Zealand doesn't seem so boring,
Suddenly New Zealand seems attractively remote;
Lots of sheep and lambs and sheep and lambs
And sheep and lambs and sheep and lambs
And sheep and lambs and sheep and lambs
And sheep and lambs and sheep and lambs
And sheep and lambs and the occasional goat.

So you're lying in bed,
And the thoughts in your head
Return to your present condition;
A beastly fanatic
Plans something dramatic
To send us all of to perdition;
From some part of the globe
Comes a chap in a robe
And a headdress he looks very nice in;
But beneath his djellaba
The fellow may harbour
A lethal container of ricin;
He's so fundamental
He hasn't seen Yentl
And preaches demonic polemic;
He wants each infidel
To descend into Hell
With a case of bubonic systemic;
In his safe sleeper cell,
He blends in very well
With his suitably quiet demeanour;
While he's learning to fly,
He is living close by
In a bed-sit above your dry-cleaner;
We know what we must do,
'Cause the world that we knew
Is vanishing like the poor dodo;
There's a good life to be had
Away from the Jihad
As neighbours of Bilbo and Frodo...

Suddenly New Zealand doesn't seem so dreary,
Suddenly New Zealand seems to suit us rather well;
Lots of hills and dales and hills and dales
And hills and dales and hills and dales
And hills and dales and hills and dales
And hills and dales and hills and dales
And hills and dales and the occasional dell.

Well you still cannot sleep,
And you suffer la grippe
As these terrible visions all trouble you;
It's no wonder you're glum,
There is worse yet to come -
As you've guessed, I refer to George W;
For he is on course
To use maximum force,
For a better world order's his aim here;
When he's done with Iraq,
He'll put up a blue plaque
Saying "This was once Mesopotamia!";
If he sticks to the text,
North Korea is next,
And we'll watch it on footage that's grainy;
Then Iran, Pakistan,
Oh, and Azerbaijan
Will be totalled by Rumsfeld and Cheney;
No you won't see him falter
As Jersey and Malta
Are governed from South Carolina;
And on Saturday week,
In a fit of sheer pique,
He will launch an invasion of China;
With Blair in his kennel,
This prince among men'll
Ensure that just one thing is certain -
The UN and EU
And, of course, NATO too,
Will be gone for a haliburton...

Suddenly New Zealand doesn't seem so tedious,
Suddenly New Zealand doesn't seem like such a dud;
Lots of springs and geysers, springs and geysers,
Springs and geysers, springs and geysers,
Springs and geysers, springs and geysers,
Springs and geysers, springs and geysers,
Springs and geysers, and a lot of hot mud.

Suddenly New Zealand doesn't seem so numbing,
Suddenly New Zealand is awash with many charms;
Lots of plots and homesteads, plots and homesteads,
Plots and homesteads, plots and homesteads,
Plots and homesteads, plots and homesteads,
Plots and homesteads, plots and homesteads,
Plots and homesteads, and a lot of nice farms.