Blood in the Water

CALLAHAN
Now when you choose a law career
The moment you embark
There is that joke you're bound hear
A lawyer is a shark

Ignore that, it's simplistic and it's dumb
Only some of you will turn out sharks, just some
The rest are chum

Our topic is blood in the water
Kids, it's time you faced
Law school is a waste
Oh yes, unless you acquire a taste for

Blood in the water
Dark and red and raw
You're nothing until the thrill of the kill
Becomes your only law

(spoken) Mr. . . . Shultz, hypothetical question.
Would you be willing to defend the following banker accused of fraud?

(sung) A kind old grandma took her savings and she sent it
Off to your client, all she saved since she was born
Well he promised to invest it, but he spent it
On prostitutes and heroine and porn

STUDENT
(spoken) No, I would not want to take that case!

CALLAHAN
Wrong! This one is a win unless you're lazy
Grandma's broke; she'll have some hack from legal aid!
Put her on the stand and call her old and crazy
Your guy goes free and he can get you high and laid

Look for the blood in the water
Read your Thomas Hobbs
Only spineless snobs
Will quarrel with the morally dubious jobs

Yes, blood in the water
Your scruples are a flaw

(spoken) Ms. . . . Hupes, hypothetical question.
Would you be the right lawyer for the following client?

(sung) Say they offer you a bundle for defending
A famous hit man for the mafia elite
Seems he missed his chosen prey
Killed a nun and drove away
Running over three cute puppies in the street

STUDENT
(spoken) What, you think I wouldn't defend him just because he's a typical man?

CALLAHAN
(spoken) Oh, you lesbians think you're so tough

STUDENT
(spoken) But--

CALLAHAN
Oh dear, I fear my comment has offended
Hard to argue, though, when you're too mad to speak
Your employment will be very quickly ended
When they see how your emotions make you weak

So what's my point? I run a billion dollar law firm!
And I hire four new interns every year
From this class I will select four young sharks whom I respect
And those four will have a guaranteed career
Do you follow me?

So I wanna see . . . What?

STUDENTS
Blood in the water

CALLAHAN
Exactly, let the games begin

STUDENTS
Hm-mm-mm-mm

CALLAHAN
Four of you will win

STUDENTS
Hm-mm-mm-mm-ooh-ooh-ooh

CALLAHAN
But just those four with the dorsal fin
Yes, blood in the water
So fight and scratch and claw

(spoken) Yes, Miss, uh

ELLE
(spoken) Woods, Elle Woods

CALLAHAN
(spoken) Someone's had their morning coffee.
Would you summarize the case of State of Indiana v. Hurn in your reading?

ELLE
(spoken) Oh, I wanted to answer the puppy question?

CALLAHAN
(spoken) But I'm asking you about the assigned reading.

ELLE
(spoken) Okay, who assigns reading for the first day of class?

CALLAHAN
(spoken) You have guts, Ms. Woods. Ms. . . . Kenzington

(sung) Let's say you teach a class at Harvard Law School
A position that you're justly proud about
But a girl on whom you call hasn't read the case at all
Should you let it go or--

VIVIENNE
(spoken) No! I'd throw her out!

CALLAHAN
All right, then.
You have heard your classmate
You have just been killed
She cut your throat, so grab your coat
Yes, you've got guts but

ALL
Now there's spilled your
Blood in the water

CALLAHAN
So would you please withdraw
And if you return
Be ready to learn
Or is it unfair?
Oh, wait I don't care!
That's just how I rule
In life and in school
With fear and shock and gall

CALLAHAN
You're nothing until

STUDENTS
Blood in the water

CALLAHAN
The thrill of the kill

STUDENTS
Blood in the water

CALLAHAN
Becomes your only law

STUDENTS
Blood in the water

CALLAHAN
Your only law

STUDENTS
Blood in the water

CALLAHAN
Your only law

STUDENTS
Blood in the water
BLOOD IN THE WATER!