I Am a Cat

I am a cat.
I am a cat and I roam ze apartment all day.
Okay.
I roam ze apartment all day.

I am a cat.
I am a cat and I lie on my side in ze sun.
For fun.
I like to lie in ze sun.

I am a cat.
I am a cat and my mother will feed me ze food.
I like food.
I lie in ze sun and I roam ze apartment,
drink water and eat food all day.

I am a cat.
I am a cat and from time to time I make a merde.
That's a word
That means 'merde'.

By now you've noticed I speak in an accent français –
Cliché –
Because French accents are associated with a disdainful demeanour
and existential ennui.

Je suis un chat.
Je suis un chat et tu ne comprends pas ce que je dis.
Mais oui.
HON HON HON you don't speak French.

I am a cat.
I was just roaming when Mother came home with a man.
Ugh, zis man.
She likes him but I never can.

I meet zis man.
He touches me and immediately I attack.
I fight back.
Now his right hand has a puncture wound
HON HON HON HON HON HON HON HON HON HON
HON HON HON HON HON HON HON HON HON HON HON.

I hate zis man.
Don't want to know him so I turn and show him my butt.
Yes, I raise my tail at him and give him a nice good view
And fart in his general direction.

(Ze key change shows ze passage of time.)

Why's he still here?
Why's he still here on ze couch with his beer? It's not just.
So I must
Jump on his lap and claw his left thigh through his jeans
HON HON HON HON HON HON HON HON HON HON
HON HON HON HON HON HON HON HON HON.

One day zis man
One day zis man fills my bowl up with food...
Oh! He might prove useful.
I will tolerate him
And I'll try not to stab him in ze leg.