If You're Hearing This Song, I'm Already Dead

If you're hearing this song,
I'm already dead
I lingered too long
In a hospital bed
"Hey, what could go wrong?"
That's what my brother said
When he threw me headlong
Off the neighbor's woodshed

If you hear me at all
Then it's too late for me
No governor's call
Brought a last-ditch reprieve
I walked that dark hall
On the chaplain's right sleeve
And I met my downfall
In a chair I can't leave

Forgive me my sins
Forgive my trespasses
Bury me deep, I could sure use the sleep
Way too late to pray
And that's why I say

That it's here I bequeath
All my earthly effects
Pull the gold from my teeth
Auction off my objects
Make a burial wreath
Pay your final respects
Read the terms underneath
Sign your name by the x

Forgive me my wrongs
Forgive my offenses
Throw in some dirt, would an angel choir hurt?
On Remembrance Day
And get strings to play

Sort my affairs
All you self-serving heirs
Maintain the family tree
Donate my shoes to the homeless
Delete my browser history

If you're hearing this song,
I'm already dead
Bang the funeral gong
Raise a toast and break bread
May you never do wrong
May you never feel dread
May you live your life long
With this tune stuck in your head