Kids

I would love to have you but who am I kidding
Did I lied to myself in dear future children?
Maybe we were never meant for this lifetime
Or maybe I need to wait until it's the right time
I'm not optimistic
Maybe the problem is
My own fears are the very thing that's stopping this
And that is opposite to everything that I want in me
It's not what I wanna be or what I wanna see
Sometimes I wonder do I need to summon thee
Courage to not fall apart when I talk about this
Is having you irresponsible if that is possible
Then tell me how having you in anyway optimal
Not saying I don't want you I'm saying don't want you
To have parents who cant raise you put upon you
That would haunt you how do I respond to
These questions that my mind has gone to
I cry the pain away from the back of the car
Writing late at night with my hat on in the dark
Could this be the end or just growing pains
Between you and me I don't want you knowing pain
What if the fear and doubt are the only thing
Or only pain gripping my throat as I try to swallow
It's insane to know I'm going down a dark road
Maybe we don't coincide I'll only know in time
Only time will tell but I feel is a slow divide
I can fake it I'm breaking for heavens sake what am I saying
Sometimes I feel not having you would be murder
Did you hear that? I could've swore that I heard her!
These are the voices I hear on this cursed earth
Maybe in time God will show me if I should have kids
But for now I'll continue to live inside all this madness
As I struggle to question my depressing sadness

I'm sorry but I hope you guys try to hear me out
I get it cause even I don't even wanna hear me now
Kids aren't an easy thing
Kids are scary to me
It's one thing to give a ring
But to care for a new being
Is an overwhelming thought
I beg you please tell me God
What am I to do will she refuse to marry
The more I think about it it's all the more scary
The more tearing me apart
Will I ever get married?

I'm sorry that I'm writing this but it is my heart
And giving that and talking I cant tear apart
Kids aren't an easy thing
Kids are scary to me
It's one thing to give a ring
But to care for a new being
Is an overwhelming thought
I beg you please tell me God
What am I to do will she refuse to marry
The more I think about it its all the more scary
The more tearing me apart
Will I ever get married?

I was just kid when I wanted one of my own
And that desire is something I will never disown
If I'm honest thinking of you gets me feeling alone
Then I feel guilty for my thoughts being in that zone
It's hard when you feel incompetent
I wish I felt the opposite
Pretty lonely without you in my life
They say "man you don't want a wife"
I think of having one every day in night
If you were in my life I wonder what you'd say to me
Lonely feeling like people hang around cause there paid to me
Maybe the purpose of your life is to pass it on
Maybe the purpose of mine is to have a son
Guys are just looking for a body to have some fun
I promise that is not me cause life has taught me
That I am to be bigger than the possibility of failing
Which is probably entailing having kids and being a dad who is godly

You got me maybe fear is just apart of the process
And failing as a parent is something we must accept
I hope my best efforts are something to be proud of
Maybe me as a father is what you wont look down on
Just know I tried despite being wrong some of the time
When you become a father and feel the pressure to provide
You'll connect what I am saying to the fact that I tried
And not be upset at the mistakes I had in your life
So before I finish this letter and finally say goodbye
I want you to that I am proud to call you mine
Time to put this song away into a file I'll keep for you
Just know your not a mistake your what I wanted
So until you are born I'll continue the journey alone
Actually not alone but I prefer to keep that private
What I want you to see is not just what I want to be
It's the pain and struggle and having kids will be one of these