Hold Music

Thank you for calling our hotline today
Please note you've been placed in a queue
Your call is important to us
So we say
But not so important we'll actually put you through
So press 1 if your query relates to a bill
Press 2 if you're seeking a loan
Press 3 if you're gradually losing the will
Press 4 if you'd love us to pick up the phone
Press 5 to hear the options again

Now using your keypad
Please enter the third
Fourth and twenty-ninth character
Of your password
Which you set maybe seven or eight years ago
And you can't be expected to actually know

Please note that we may be recording your call
For the purpose of training our staff
Try not to use any bad language at all
Yeah, and good luck with that
Once you've queued for an hour and a half

Now press 1 if your query relates to a bill
Press 2 if you're seeking a loan
Press 3 if you're fighting a strong urge to kill
Press 4 if you just want to get in your car
Drive down to the call centre
Smash down the door
And shout "ANSWER THE BLEEDIN' PHONE"

Press 5 to hear the options again