30 Years Late for a Snarky Comeback

Nothing says getting even like an intellec-shyul spar
But when it came time to deal the blow
I felt like I'd been hit by a car
I missed my chance to flex my intellect
I missed my chance to be clever

Now I'm sulking, quarter-dead
Knowing exactly what I should've said
30 years late for a snarky comeback
30 years late for a vapid retort
If I could ever have my way
I'd go right back to that fateful day
30 years late for a snarky comeback

I've always styled myself as fashionably quick-witted
Throwing out glib remarks
Like a cowboy fanning the hammer at the hip
But in the heat of the moment, I found my gun was empty
I missed my chance to look clever
Yes, I missed my chance to look clever

If it happened again today
I'd have just the thing to say
30 years late for a snarky comeback
30 years late for a pithy remark
But now I'm sulking, at least half-dead
Knowing exactly what I should have said
30 years late for a snarky comeback

(Film noir monologue from our intrepid protagonist)
I take the corner seat in a diner
The name of which escapes me now
Staring into the abyssal oblivion of my coffee
Dark as my blackened soul
I think about adding cream or sugar
But that would just dilute the simile
Not to mention the coffee itself
I've always taken it black
Though it doesn't make much difference
It's never made much difference

Soon enough I'm back in the wetworks
Dwelling on the distant past
The waitress spits in my drink and calls me a pompous...
I have an inclination to respond, but I'm no fool
I'd miss my chance to look clever
Like I've always missed my chance to look clever

Whatever I'd say wouldn't make a dent
Whatever I'd say is irrelevant
30 years late for a snarky comeback
I know it isn't hip to be miserable
But I can't help thinking when I lie in bed
Of all the things I should've done and said
But soon I'm 10 years late for a snarky comeback
20 years late for a snarky comeback
30 years late for a snarky comeback