Hildegard Of Bingo

It was late July when the sun was high
The crowd was getting restive
But nevertheless, one had to confess
It all seemed fairly festive
Then the drunk MC right in front of me
Started howling like a dingo
"It's the Queen of Halls, and she calls the balls
It's Hildegard of Bingo"

She was six-foot high with a green glass eye
And a voice like Stentor's ma
The promoters found when the word went around
That they flocked from near and far
She arrived on scene in a sports machine
And the crowd was overjoyed
She was like a cross between Stirling Moss
And the ghost of Marie Lloyd

Seemed the stage was set as the spotlights met
When her car screams in and stops
With a banshee wail in a hail of shale
And with two outrider cops
Now, I hope and trust that I'm being just
When I tell you no one there
Could anticipate that a piece of slate
Would decapitate the Mayor

As you might deduce, all hell broke loose
An enthusiastic crowd
Gave a rousing cheer, it was all too clear
They thought she'd done them proud
They were there to play the old-fashioned way
'Cause most folks like to gamble
So her agent, Gus, then approached her thus
Without too much preamble

"I've a great idea, and I think it's clear
That it's sure to entertain
For a bit of fun, I give ten to one
That you can't do that again"
When a local crook moved to make a book
I almost am forgetting
How the brightest cop then agreed to stop
To supervise the betting

Some would find it hard but our Hildegard
She was up for any game
But to make it good, she enquired who should
Be the focus of her aim?
Beside the deceased, stood the local priest
With an elegant young heiress
And together they, in time-honoured way
Both volunteered the Mayoress

Now, the track was scarred after Hildegard
Came a-roaring around the curve
As we hoped and knew, the shale all flew
As she made her final swerve
When the dust was cleared, some dissenter jeered
The statuesque Brunhilde
The cop said, "This was a damn near miss
Hard luck, you haven't killed her"

So, all bets were off, and it seems the toff
And the cop kept all the cash
It was all too plain that the Mayoral chain
That they'd added to the stash
Had been nicked, I guess, by the Mayoress
But we understood the score
It was only fair, 'cause we knew the Mayor
Wouldn't need it any more

It was more than fair, 'cause we knew the Mayor
Wouldn't need it any more