Us Against the Hurt

In a moment of weakness
My mother asked me
"Was I not good to you?"
And I didn't know how to respond
I guess I wanted to say
"I don't know"
And I guess I wish I'd asked

Were you good to my sister?
Were you good to that little girl forced to grow up too soon?
When she cried herself to sleep
In her crib
Not old enough to know or really understand why
And you were unconscious somewhere
Maybe in your bed
Maybe on the couch
Maybe on the floor
Maybe you were still at the pub
And the neighbours would pound at the door
And yell
And of course they kind of knew what was going on
But they'd never tell
I guess the fate of the little girl next door
Was never much more
Than conversation at the dinner table
In between football scores and "how was your day at school, honey?"

Were you good to that little girl
Afraid to go to the bathroom at night
'Cause waking you up
Was enough for a beating
But a filthy sheet was enough for a bigger one

Were you good to that little girl
Who suddenly had a baby brother
And a new father

And then

Were you good to me
A newborn boy who couldn't stop crying
And my ten year old sister cried with me
While you were shaking me
And yelling at me

Were you good to my sister
When you'd pull her out of bed at night
To deal with the baby
Were you good to us
When we could never know the rules
When we could never know
If you'd still love us tomorrow
If you'd still love us when you came home

But sure
You were good to us
You made sure we were always well dressed
Our hair well combed
But still we felt dirty and unworthy

We were the best thing in your life
Some days, your only pride
But still felt we needed to hide
"Should've been aborted"
You said
"A fucking accident"
You said

Why did that little girl
Not a bad bone in her body
Have to hurt so much
Just because she couldn't grow up fast enough
To make you happy
'Cause she could never get it right
But how could she get it right
How do you follow rules that change over night?

But sure
You were good to us
We always had food on the table
But we were never able
To hear the love in your words
To understand all the hurts
You took the word "mother"
And turned it into a dirty one
And how fucking dare you do that?

Why the fuck did we grow up always getting told
We were spoiled
We were lucky
We were blessed
Not just from you
Other grown ups too
How fucking dared they let us believe the fight we were fighting was just
That it wasn't just
You being a fucking narcissist
You made us feel like we had to work to be loved
That it was not a right but a privilege
And even if it was pushing us to the ledge
And cause we knew we didn't have a mother
We made a pledge
To each other

We learnt that real family is the family you choose
Not something to use
There's no excusing
That you made us feel unworthy of love
Like it was something we had to earn
That there were rules we had to learn
'Cause that's not what love is supposed to be
And now were all grown-up and we still struggle to see
That we're loved
And that we no longer have to fight
What gave you the fucking right
To create people
Who might never be able
To feel fully safe
Always looking over our shoulder
Always fearing people will grow colder
Learning to spin yarns
To just get held in someone's arms
Just giving and giving and giving
'Till they realise we no longer keep their world spinning

When will we stop feeling like a burden
To feel like we deserve the hurting

Were you good to us
When you made us apologise
For ruining your dreams and your life
When you'd twist the metaphorical knife
To make sure we'd never soar
To keep us on the ground
Don't make a sound

And I'll be fair
We had good days too
Feeling like we were walking on air
Fun times where for a brief moment the love felt real
But we'll never heal
From always knowing it would never last
That the love and the joy would fade fast
And sure
We appreciate the joy harder when the rest is terror
When we don't know if you care or
If this is our last laugh
We'll always feel half

Why did you condemn my sister to being the adult
Who never got to be anything else
And why am I forced to be the clown
Scared life will someday get real

And after all this
I wish I could say that I hate you
We wish we could say that we hate you

But we can't even do that

The love my sister and I share
Is bigger and more real than you could ever understand

And every time I call her "sister"
I hope she knows how much I missed her
When the mother we shared
Kept us apart
How it broke my heart

But now it's as always
Us against the world we left
But we're not alone
'Cause we've found new homes
With each other and the friends we've made family
Finally starting to believe in love infinity

You were supposed to be our hero
The one safe spot in the world
I have friends who tell me their parent is their best friend
Their safest port
Their first and last resort
But I didn't know what feeling safe meant 'till I was already 22
And you you you you you
You seem to have forgotten it all now
Pretending we're the bad kids and you don't understand how
We can be so angry
But the truth is
We're not even angry
We're just done being the grown-ups who hold this family together
Done never knowing whether
Or not
You'd find a way
To ruin another good day
Say something horrible
We've decided we wanna be okay

You made loving you the hardest thing we had to do
And now that we've left you behind
I think you'll find
The final victim is you

In a moment of weakness
My mother asked me
"Was I not good to you?"

And I replied
"I guess you did your best"

And that's the end of it

But I know I only ever felt rest
When she pulled my sister out of bed at night to deal with the baby
And she'd sing to me
The psalms she learned in choir
And I'd get quiet
And I'd finally know peace
And it was just her and I
In our own little world

Us against the hurt