Being Honest

I have got thoughts that I suppress
My own nature I resist
One of the things that I'm obsessed
With is how my mind persists
If only I could take forceps
Through my cortex I'd urge this
My verses
Reveals blood in my veins courses
With cyanide in midst
First drink till last will be toxins
No I didn't check these boxes
Had no options
Banished dismissed
Guidance vanished
Mom and dad worked with what they had
But good didn't outweigh the bad
Fragile mask that lie didn't last
Good people with a troubled past
Had kids fast now we pay the tab
Dad talks like no one can match
Eyes for the one behind the glass
Mom doesn't always have my back
Keeps piling things till they collapse
Not speaking on siblings behalf
But the scars make this shit relapse
I think I'm inherently better and I know that it's wrong
But that doesn't change the roots that I grew on
Ego
Tells me I'm the goat try to veto
It sweeps my feet low
Please know I gave seeds sown
These flows
Ice like freeze cold but I can revoke
I hate these parts of me
Urging me with upmost certainty
Currently telling me unequivocally
I am a masterpiece Hey!
Narcissism's
One of my Rhythms If I de- Sync 'em
Check off that light it might happen that I
Think I'm
Different
Blink I'm
Gone you won't
Hear from
Me look at my eyes then spy all the lies
Brink of
That which I
Hid from
My darkest
Traits from
Coming outside when I'm speaking my mind
Ink glove
Coming off
Bring up
My name go
Speak up
False truth but I'd advise you keep lips tied
They say family comes first
Is it wrong that I don't agree?
Like my friends could die and I
Would prolly have more to grieve
Don't like hearing compliments
Because my ego it feeds
Don't want the consequences
Don't wanna hear it let me speak!
This is me being honest
So stay silent that's all I need
Every trauma that you caused
Either accident or purposely
Remember in the end that
I'm still tortured by what I keep

All I want to feel is safe
Never had that feeling
And now I can't ever face
The problems that always chase
Only ever wanted safe
For my brain to be that place
When my heart increases rate
The comfort is all I crave it breaks
Berates mental state replace the pain I can't take
Being honest all I ever wanted was to feel safe
Put value in trust
Then trust funds were stolen from my safe
I guess I couldn't afford it
Now I'm feeling cornered
All I want is to feel safe
(Never had But I never had)
Never had that feeling save
(And no body I had no body)
And nobody got my back
(Just some knives Only couple knives)
Just some knives when I was stabbed
If I'm being honest all I want to feel is safe

I thought I was getting better
But the fog is getting thicker
Each breath is getting quicker
And the faster I wither
I used to look up now
I'm looking down for something that slithers
When things were enough
Before we all learned to lie and stay bitter
Hard hitter
Falling back into old habits I drift to the vacuum
Going backwards a classic
Bad show I hit resume
Calling back an ex's damage
Just to receive abuse
An old sack that's my canvas
I am stuck in a loop
With a black brush to access
Rather hung by a noose
But that's nothing new
I'm unbeatable in self sabotage don't need an entourage
To make me take a pause
Anxiety an unending barrage hidden by catasto
-Phic thoughts that play connect the dots
Not a watch could keep the time I lost
I wish it ends and cross my heart hope to die
I sought fatal shot desperately need triage
Aware I burn my gauze my recent mistakes just
Xeroxed the chaos my new but old routine
When will I learn that I ain't getting outta this
Till I'm under the dirt
Ain't that absurd
How I feed myself each and every lie that's on earth
And I ask for desert
Forever unable to cope with the simple words "I need help"
Can't be heard so I hide it and cry it out alone
Cause that's what I think it means to be grown
Beneath surface so nervous never shown
But I fracture like glass hit with a stone
Feel I don't even belong in my home
My blood coursing through me's foreign my cells my bones
I don't feel like I can call them my own
Surround me with family still feel alone
Good examples weren't samples we were shown
Broken family now go make your own
(Your own)

All I want to feel is safe
Never had that feeling
And now I can't ever face
The problems that always chase
Only ever wanted safe
For my brain to be that place
When my heart increases rate
The comfort is all I crave it breaks
Berates mental state replace the pain I can't take
Being honest all I ever wanted was to feel safe
Put value in trust
Then trust funds were stolen from my safe
I guess I couldn't afford it
Now I'm feeling cornered
All I want is to feel safe
(Never had But I never had)
Never had that feeling save
(And no body I had no body)
And nobody got my back
(Just some knives Only couple knives)
Just some knives when I was stabbed
If I'm being honest all I want to feel is safe

I know my brother gonna be leaving soon
You deserve to know why I was so damn rude
It's cause I see too much of myself in you
It is all my fault we didn't have a truce
I appreciate everything that you do
I'm still sorry just know that I love you too
I've said what I've said just leave it absent
Let me be honest without the consequence