Warden and Prisoner

Miracle my dad's alive, what school made us promise
Nutrition pyramid and fitness, he did the opposite
Finally had a stroke, paralyzed on one side
One day you can drive, the next you just ride
Foster home the final post his horse is tied
Can't cook, bathe, toilet, can't go outside
He hates his caretaker like she the limiter
No, his body is the warden, his mind is the prisoner

I see a different warden in me, cause though my body is able
Voices in my head say stay still, you gotta be stable
Don't become him, so don't rock the turntable
Nine to fiver never question the label like
Why I even stay by dad? His decline a slow rip bandaid
Ooh, toxic positivity, gotta watch what I say
I made a mournful song about him, this song's the second
Can't stop caring for him now, I'm on the record
Dig in my heels, politician tryna match a persona
Tweets decades ago define you, no road to recover
Might as well pin it to my Twitter or blog with no visitors
I keep guilty in my head, my own warden and prisoner
Peers say it's the right thing, they ain't have a taste
Of caretaker burnout, wondering is it all a waste
Who am I beholden to, acquaintances estranged?
Or a social media comment mob, am I not allowed to change?
Like on a group project, they lazy, I flip
Out, carry the team, I can't let my grade A slip
Down and out of control so try to control others
I'd be valedictorian if I had my druthers
You think a letter grade separate you from the rest?
It only measures whether you can pass a test
You think old institutions adapt in a hurry?
Their original model to train literate Latin and clergy
Now you think we graduate geniuses, CEOs, and self-reliance?
McJob or prison pipeline, schools sell compliance
Particularly hard for a golden child
Big fish, small pond, things come easy, stand above the crowd
Every praise you got, everything you learned
"You did such a good job!" Thought you special when you weren't
The real world sets in, no alternatives explored
Sure I earned my shield but they surrounding me with swords
Can't let them down or in, he crave they applaud him
Only cure keep on past exhaustion
Existential balancing act, lie flat, leaving you froze
If I don't blast all four burners, am I even a stove?
That theory got me gassed and weary
Atomic family meltdown son, don't come near me
Scream in my four walls, are there any listeners?
Nah, better keep it to myself, my own warden and prisoner

Wouldn't want to burden ya dad, mom
Spouse, friend
Stranger
Like I'm writing a letter from

Wouldn't want to burden ya, boss
Take days on crafting the request for vacation days off
Need escape, ruminate how to not be on welfare
How you self-care? Thought this therapist could cure but still here
Stressing end of year in a counseling session
"What do you want to do for Christmas?"
Well, no one ever asked me that question
Your holiday cozy with bright lights? Mine's more sinister
Why I go home every year? You know: my own warden and prisoner
Still shopping for gifts, I started January first
They say it don't have to cost but don't know what my time is worth
Sanity at family gatherings, my smile forced
Doc says it was fun once but the ritual's run its course
I said I'm not going, and behold, the world didn't end
I didn't know it was an option not to attend
If they hate you, you rather be exhausted in a coffin?
Johnny Commitment put on others' oxygen masks too often
Who else on society's marching orders, who else seen some mileage?
Who else lifes on autopilot?
Whether you listen to your president or your minister
Or your mom, they got you, now you your own warden and prisoner
"You gotta go to college," her reasoning felt off
Like the best teammates I'd meet wouldn't be dropouts and self taught
High off high school drama club, underfunded, scrappy
In college choosing my major, debate between comfort or happy
Computer science or drama, these are just
Ponderances on a parallel universe starring John the starving artst
Now a burned out programmer backing down the mountain
The peak in sight
On the wrong path, we locally optimize
Keep on, can't stand scorn from the keeping scorers
Everest wasn't the end anyway, were you gon' rest on your laurels?
Embrace there's no end, pace for more than 1 sprint
Be an author, athlete, bartender for a stint
I finally see now, all these peaks I wanna visit
See past the warden, this concept, if I name it, I can kill it
Now everybody's different, I don't have a cure-all awaiting
My challenge to you: see the instincts that you don't have a say in
Hit bottom, and there's only one direction to go
Direct your own story to feel in control
Sometimes feeling more important than being
It's the foundation, the power to say no, I don't accept your ceiling
Tell the warden, open up this cell, how you like me now, defiant
"Hey, back from the bars," split brain solitary confinement
Only one way I know to be, even helped define the perimeter
I don't know how to escape my own warden and prisoner