I F--k Sl--ts

Thank you for all being here on a Friday
I know there's lots of places you can be on a Friday
So I appreciate you taking the time to be with me
It does truly mean a lot
I would like to, um, do a love poem right now
Since it's sort of early in the show
Um, I warn you, it is sappy and romantic, so um
I'll get it out of the way now
And then I'll go back to the, er, the dirty stuff
That everyone loves, or whatever
Um, okay, it's called 'I Fuck Sluts'

Sluts
Sluts (it's not a rollcall but thank you)
Sluts, I fuck sluts
Sluts get fucked when I fuck sluts
No if ands and or buts
I fuck sluts

I fuck sluts
Nice girls are nice
But no good for nut sucking
Don't need need a serene night to green light a butt fucking
But that will be easy with sleazy old slut fucking
Boo to the nice girls
Praise be to slut fucking

I have a list
A list?
Yes, a list of all the sluts I've missed
I've never fucked or sucked these sluts
And thus my nuts are fucking pissed
So when I fuck the lucky slut, my nut removes her from the list
Another dumb cum bucket struck
From my nut sucking suck it slut, slut fucking bucket list

So, yes you hear the influences, Chaucer
The pages are blank, I know it, why am I lying to you?

Sluts can be white, black, brown, pink or almond
They can be skinny with big tits
Or be skinny with small ones
Sluts can be perky preppy or posh
With their brains and their clothes all shrunk from the wash
City people are confused

But other sluts are pretty and funny and smart
These sluts can lift all your thoughts from your dick to your heart
They can talk about science, music, or art
They can put you together
Or they could pull you apart

But don't trust these sluts
Don't, don't you dare
They'll force you
Trust them and love them and care
And then they'll be gone
And then youll be aware of that hole in your heart
That that dumb slut left there

Thank you very much
So, you see? He was lashing out with sexist language
'Cause he had his heart broken
We all learn something
Um, I know that that bit in particular is a little bit dense
A little bit hard to follow
And I wanna be able to do something that's easier to follow
And you could probably get on the first listen
So I wanna do a slower joke for you, erm

Here's a slow joke...
What did the ear of corn say
When all of it's clothes fell off
"Aw shucks!" Get it?
Like, shucks as in shucking corn
And also shucks the exclamation
Am I right?

Something for everybody, um
My father recently told me that I act too gay on stage
I said, "Really Dad? Prove it"

For those listening, I threw confetti, flamboyantly
So we're having fun
Thank you for all being here